Holiday Blues

Tis’ the season for Joy and Merriment! But, to be honest, tis’ also the season for sadness and heartache.

So many emotions and feeling get all tangled up like a ball of christmas lights. First, you plug them in and are SO excited they work! Then the little tingles of excitement you get, from just how pretty and magical, these lights are! The house, the tree, the mantle!! It’s ALL going to be wonderment! To then, you sit back and see what a mess of entanglement you have ahead of you. Who put these lights up last year anyways!! And to make it worse, as you untangle said mess,  the lights flicker on and off…What,  UGH!! WTF!?! Ya, kind of sums up life. You really can’t have one, without the other.

In my experience, the Holidays bring up all of that. It is hands down, my favorite time of year! But man, do my emotions FLY!! ———–> (there they go) I know loss, a lot of it. I found the blessing in my dysfunctional family. I have 4 parents, none of whom are together. So lets consider them 4 sets of parents (not going to get into my family forest) With each set, they have parents. So in return… I was blessed with SO many grandparents (8)  It. Was. Awesome!! I loved them as all my grandparents, they loved me as their grandchild! Throughout the years, I’ve lost all of them. Then mix in other family and a few friends, sadness can set in. They holidays remind me the most, of the times we had together. It also reminds me of my last Christmas I had with my dad. He hung on, until January 4th. So I have that. We had him for Christmas! But the struggle we went through that December rushes back every holiday season. I miss him terribly this time of year.

Then after a terrible fight with breast cancer, my cousin lost her life January 13, 2014. She too fought to hang on through the holidays. So again, there is that! Which I am beyond thankful for. We LOVED the holidays. Life got crazy and that was the one time a year, if all else failed, we came together to enjoy it with our families. But the holidays are forever changed when your favorites aren’t around.

I really could go on… we all could. Tis the Season! It is time for families and friends to come together and enjoy and reflect on the year(s) past. And with reflection we realize, we all are missing something and a lot of “someones” and what do we do with all those emotions? Nothing brings back our loved ones or past decisions and regrets. Lord knows we all have those! And again, the holidays are a reminder of all things “feelings” good and not so good. It’s reality, right?!

Are you wondering “why” am I writing this post? What a Debbie downer! Haha. That’s not my intention. As we are on the last day of November, I was thinking about all of the things I want to do in December and how I want to transition into the new year, 2019!! How is it going to be 2019?? I naturally think about my dad, cousin, grannie… so on. Then I think about current family and friends and how relationships change throughout the years. I really do focus more on the positive and how great life is. But sometimes, focusing on the latter, gets the best of me. And I am okay with that. I have a pretty good balance of emotions. Hasn’t always been that way. But over all, it’s me. And 2018 has been a transition into who I am. And I can’t wait for 2019 to really embrace what that means. (its a surprise for me too, haha) I am a firm believer you DO have to look and reflect back on your past in order to move forward. As hard or ugly as it is, that where you find yourself. Your “why”?! Why did I make that choice/decision? So much of it comes down to that simple question. Whether or not you initiated the the first choice/decision or responded to someone else’s. I find that is what it comes down to. And for some reason, my timing of reflection on past decisions, relationships, choices, whatever, is now. Right smack in the middle of the holidays. Go me!

As I am looking back, at all of the decisions that have brought me to this point in my life. I realize, I really am thankful for all good and bad decisions and events that have happened in my life. I have very minimal regrets, if any. Having that outlook didn’t come easy. And it cost me, a lot. Cost me a lot personally, and it came at the cost of others. Which, I am remorseful for, but try not to regret. You can grow and expand your heart from remorse, but you have to forgive yourself and be able to move on.  I feel, that remorse is the starting point, then pick yourself up and move on from it. (easier said then done, I know) Otherwise, it’s hindering and debilitating. I have seen regret, stop people from living, and cost them happiness. And regret and guilt travel pretty close together. And guilt is a plague, that spreads out to the people you care for the most, and tears you apart. Accepting mistakes or unplanned paths is part of your life’s journey. And it’s beautiful. Scars can be beautiful, if you just change a little perspective. They are the roadmap to the core and center of your person. What is more beautiful than that! And what is more beautiful than letting other people in on your struggles to help them feel a little more normal. Life these days are seen through “rose colored glasses” called Instagram/Facebook or whatever other social platform there is. It’s all a filter. I find most connected to the ones that show bits of their true self and life. That inspires me and I feel inspired to maybe do that for someone. Even if it is just one person. Because I realize as great of a life as I do have, it’s not all roses. I struggle, quite a bit at times.

This is my way of finding center. I come from a family of dysfunction but that doesn’t mean I set out to live my life in dysfunction. I was getting married once and staying with the man that I had children with. Come hell or high water! Well, the hell and the highest of water came and went and came and went…. So ya, never tell life it isn’t going to be a certain way. Your challenges, will always be your challenges until you actually stop and face them. It is in that moment they will dissipate. (insert divorce here)  And let me tell you how freeing and liberating that moment is. The cloudy skies part, the sun beams through and it all makes perfect sense. It hurts like a son of bitch!! But WOW! It is GLORIOUS! And it starts a chain reaction, if you let it (choices) and it becomes contagious. And then you (re)find the man of your dreams!! Whoop Whoop! Haha

So if you’re struggling with the Holiday Blues or just any blues. You’re not alone. Even though, that is most likely, exactly how you feel. (say that 5x) Chin up buttercup. This moment, is always the best moment, to forgive yourself and start down a new path. So while we are all (most) in full holiday mode, and life is, or can be, more emotional. I hope we all turn to the happier side of emotions and enjoy this wonderful time of year. Look around and be thankful for all your little blessings. This season comes once, but it is over in a heartbeat. All the time and money and attention to detail and time and MONEY that goes into, what, a month and a half period of time! Make sure you slow down to do all of the things that make you happy. And thoroughly enjoy them and the family and friends around you. Make it as perfect or imperfect as you want. Just spread Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa Cheer… or just spread Cheer if you don’t celebrate anything. Someone is deeply struggling for their, very personal to them, reasons. So let’s spread holiday cheer!!

Tomorrow is December 1st. Let the festivities begin. I’m kicking off my December with a “Winter Wine Walk” in downtown Ventura! Then a tree lighting on Sunday at Church! What are you doing to enjoy the most of your December? I would LOVE to hear about it!!